Forever All In Love
by Sammy
Summary: After her husband's death, Rita has to deal with that she's never going to see him


**Forever All My Love** ****   
  
  


**written by Sammy**      
  


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> **I am going to leave Palm Beach. That's what I told Harry a few hours ago. I was sitting at Chris' grave when he came walking up. God, I am sure I looked like hell. All I can do is cry since Chris died. When I saw him lying in that hospital bed and his heart stopped beating... it was like my own heart stopped at that exact moment. All I ever lived for, the person I cared about most, my family, my best friend, everything was taken away in a second. Once I thought I could never live without him. I used to have a nightmare from time to time about being alone, being deserted by everyone. When I woke up I would call Chris and he was there for me. Always. He came over and took me into his arms. I felt so comfortable, safe, protected. He did everything for me, though I never asked him to.**
> 
> **Love - I think I never really knew what the word meant. This feeling I have deep in my heart, this undefinable feeling I have for Chris... this was love, real love. We never told each other, but we both knew that we had loved each other for a long time. Now it's all over. Chris was taken away from me. I am not sure I could go on with my life if I weren't pregnant. I can feel the baby moving inside of me. My baby, Chris' baby. ** 
> 
> **Palm Beach bears so many happy moments I was allowed to share with Chris, the moments we were allowed to spend at our places, at the beach, at the shop... none of it's the same. I tried to go to the headquarters every morning, pretending that I could work there, but I couldn't. For 5 and a half years Chris and I worked there side by side, 5 and half years filled with happy and sad times. We put away so many bad guys, were in the line of fire more than once. It cost Chris his life. I am not going to risk our child's life. This child needs my protection - the same kind of protection Chris gave me every time I needed it. So I have to leave.**
> 
> **For the last 4 months this loft was my home, more or less. I still own my own place, I never sold it. Chris and I were looking for a new place. I wanted a place at the beach, Chris insisted on living close to downtown. We compromised on a downtown loft with an ocean view. We already had found the perfect one. By now we would have moved. When I think of Chris' eyes, how they sparkled when we were shown the nursery... I know he was thrilled about the baby. And so am I. This child is the last piece of Chris I have, the last piece of the person I loved most in my life.**
> 
> **Though Chris wasn't the only man in my life, I know he was the only one I really loved. I still love him. I will never be able to let him go. He was something special. He got me laughing when he sensed I needed it. He was there to hold me when I was at the verge of breaking down. He was there to be with me when I couldn't be alone. And when I broke up with a boyfriend, he was there to comfort me. God, when I was younger I couldn't imagine a man being my best friend. I told him private things, things you normally only can tell a woman, but Chris understood me every time. Sometimes better than I did. **
> 
> **I have to go and pack my stuff. I've avoided this for days now, because I know I have to go through Chris' stuff as well. It is going to be hard, but I know I will survive. Our baby needs me. I have to decide what I am going to keep and what I am going to throw away. Our child needs to know its father. If I could, I would keep all of Chris' stuff, but I can't. I feel like I am going to throw memories away. The last time I had to start a new life Chris was there to help me. My foster parents had died just before I was promoted to homicide. I will never forget the day at the shop when I was told what happened to Tom and Sue. I broke down. I don't remember clearly what happened then, but the next memory I have is that I was staring into a pair of deep blue eyes, blue like the bluest ocean. I was lying in a pair of strong arms. I already knew Chris from my work in vice, but this was the first time his appearance stirred something deep inside my heart, a part of my heart that I never knew existed.**
> 
> **My heart will always be filled by memories. I know I mustn't live in them. I need to look ahead, my life needs to go on. The hardest part is that I have to live this life without Chris. I found a note in his notebook. I have tried to figure out when he wrote this. He must have written it shortly after we were married. Tears were streaming down my cheeks the first time I read it, I couldn't fight them. I still cry every time I read it...**
> 
> **You give me strength  
When I start to worry  
You lift me up  
When I'm feeling sorry  
You're building me up  
With love and affection  
When I'm in danger  
You're my protection  
   
And I'm the one  
You can depend upon  
I'll always treat you right  
Never do you wrong  
'Cause feel the love   
Burning inside of me  
It's gonna last for eternity  
For eternity, for eternity  
'Cause baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  
   
And when I die, I keep on living  
You'll always have my love  
Seeing you through  
I'll be your angel up in heaven  
Forever all my love  
Will shine on you  
'Cause baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  
   
Now you got someone  
You can believe in  
No one can take away  
What we're feeling  
Our love is strong  
It goes on forever  
No one will ever love you better  
   
And when I'm gone  
I'll still be true to you  
The seed of love lives inside of you  
I'll be your angel up in heaven  
And all my love  
Will shine down on you  
For eternity, for eternity  
'Cause baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  
   
And when I die, I keep on living  
You'll always have my love  
Seeing you through  
I'll be your angel up in heaven  
Forever all my love  
Will shine on you  
'Cause baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  ** 
> 
> **I don't think I ever will come back to Palm Beach. I can't live here, not without Chris. My life here always involved him. The memories will hurt me too much. I know Chris will be there with me and our child, no matter where I am. He will understand me, I know that. When I think about the words he wrote to me, I realized this is what he wanted me to do. He will love me. And I will love him. Always.**
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> ****
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> Standard Disclaimer: All characters takem from Silk Stalkings belong to Stephen J. Cannell and USA Network. When I Die belongs to No Mercy. No infringement intended.
> 
> Thanks to Karen for editing. I wrote this little piece because that's how I think Rita felt after Chris' death and why she left Palm Beach. If you have another opinion about that, please be kind with me :)
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